Ever since we had our son we have wanted more children. I’m not kidding. The moment we came home from the hospital I knew I wanted more babies and I wanted them soon. So very shortly after our sons birth we began trying. We were happy new parents who were on such a high and we knew we wanted to fill our house with more joy, which to us equals more children.
On January 15th, 2016 I knew. I was only 3 weeks and 5 days but I knew. So at 1pm that day I took a test and confirmed my suspicions. We were pregnant. Sylor was going to be a big brother. I told Ian and we immediately began thinking of baby names, calling our photographers to document it all, and we just enjoyed our mutual pregnancy glow. It was wonderful. My pregnancy was so easy with only a few tummy aches and a little fatigue. I didn’t question it though because having an easy pregnancy is what every woman dreams of!
Within a few weeks we had both names picked out, I was settling into the idea of having two under two, and we even knew how we were going to do our gender reveal. Our hearts were so wrapped up in this baby. If we’re being honest, I had a hard time when I was pregnant with Sylor. Because of my own childhood I wondered if I could love our son. I had no idea what to expect so my fears got the best of me. It was difficult to enjoy being pregnant because of my worries about meeting him. But then when we had him and I realized how amazing that love is and how overwhelming it is…I never doubted again. So when we got pregnant again I was simply overjoyed. No fears. No doubts. Just plain happiness. This baby was already so loved and I couldn’t wait to meet him or her.
February 22nd. I began having discharge but it wasn’t red so I didn’t worry too much. Miscarrying was in the back of my mind but only briefly. After all, we were 9.2 weeks pregnant. As every day passed I worried less and less about our baby going back to heaven. But on February 24th my worst nightmare came true. I was still having discharge so I got in the shower and checked myself for dilation. I knew then. I was miscarrying our hopes and dreams, the future we planned, the little brother or sister for our son, our everything. It still breaks my heart. The bleeding came right after that. I called my best friend, Julie (who has two babies in heaven), and I just poured out my heart to her. She knew my pain. Times two. I immediately dropped my son off at a friends house and met my husband at the emergency room. Telling the corpsman why I was there was humiliating. “I think I’m having a miscarriage.” Tears streamed down my face and I tried to hide it from the people in the waiting room. After an ultrasound (our first one, we never did get to see the baby) and some blood tests it was confirmed. The doctor tried to give us hope, and my husband wanted so badly to hold on to that hope, but I knew. That night, in the house that we planned to bring baby home to, we passed the baby and said our goodbyes. We both just cried and held each other. There were no words. Just anger and pain, emotionally and physically. Miscarriage hurt so much more than I ever imagined, in so many ways.
The next day we had a follow up appointment and another ultrasound. It’s crazy how much hope you can have in the end, even when you know the truth. I prayed that maybe we were having twins and only lost one. But no, my womb was empty. The next few days were a whirlwind of emotions and pain. I withdrew from those around me, I just needed to process this alone. I couldn’t understand why God needed our baby back. What could possibly be his reasoning for giving us that hope and then taking it away? It was a very dark few days until finally he gave me his answer. He didn’t take our baby back. Sin did. The Lord made a perfect world with a perfect plan. But Adam and Eve had a different plan, a sinful one. And that changed the course of the world, including labor pains, infertility and miscarriage. No, in God’s perfect world he doesn’t want babies to die. But we also live in a world with the devil. And he doesn’t have our best interest at heart. He thrives on causing us pain. So when I finally realized that the Lord didn’t take back our baby, and that he was grieving with us, I finally began to heal.
As every milestone passes I still mourn our loss. I keep thinking that enough time will pass and it won’t hurt anymore but apparently it doesn’t work that way. My husband has healed but it’s taking longer for me. Being a birth photographer is so amazing but it is a direct realization of our loss and struggle with baby #2. Today, on my due date, I got to capture and witness a beautiful little boy make this entrance into this world. I wouldn’t trade today for anything because the Lord is still working on our story, but it didn’t go unnoticed that in my perfect world, today would have been my baby’s birthday. But the Lord gives strength and grace when needed and he was definitely working on my heart. Since my perfect world isn’t a reality, I at least got to witness one miracle today and it was perfect in its own way.